ENT30 If the Uniform Fits
by A Rhea King
Summary: Archer gets a dose of Reed's life when he is trapped in a shuttle pod with Reed's twins.
1. Chapter 1

IF THE UNIFORM FITS...

By A. Rhea King

**CHAPTER 1**

Archer stopped when he heard his name called and turned. Malcolm jogged up to him and Trip, flashing them a smile.

"Sir," Reed said.

"Lieutenant."

"May I have a word with you about the landing party leaving in a couple of hours?"

"We discussed this, Malcolm," Archer said, his voice developing a warning tone that meant Malcolm shouldn't push the issue.

"I know, sir, however, I was wondering if T'Pol might take my place, sir?"

Archer glanced at Trip.

Trip shrugged. "Fine by me."

"That'd be fine," Archer told Malcolm.

"Still three passengers?" Trip asked.

"Three?" Archer looked at Trip and then Malcolm.

Reed smiled. "The children turn one tomorrow. I asked them what they wanted for their birthdays and they both want to go to a planet to play in the grass. With Vardee away for the week, I asked T'Pol if she wouldn't mind taking them since I cannot go and she agreed."

Archer smiled. "That would be fine."

"Thank you, Captain. Good day, sirs." Malcolm turned and hurried off in the direction he'd come.

"Ya know..it still amazes me," Trip commented, "His kids look like they're three months and they're one, but they talk like two year olds and they're still in diapers. This whole Jit age/growth thing is _really_ confusing!"

Archer laughed. The two turned and continuing toward their destination.

#

Archer stepped out of the shuttle pod, staring at the building that shadowed the landing pad. It sharply reminded him of the Leaning Tower of Pisa without the leaning. The entire city looked like it had come right out of 12th century Italy. Archer looked back when he heard Hoshi starting to talk with the group of aliens that had come to greet them. The aliens were short with brown and green scales covering their body and diamond shape heads atop long, thick necks. It was impossible to tell the difference between the sexes. Hoshi turned to Archer.

"There's a problem, sir," Hoshi said.

"What is it?" Archer asked.

Hoshi looked past Archer. Archer followed her gaze to T'Pol and the twins. Archer looked at Hoshi.

"The kids?"

"In a way, Captain. Did you tell them we had twins and that their parents were on board?" Hoshi asked.

"Yes. When we first made contact that was brought up."

"Well, only fathers of children are allowed to address the elders, sir. You can't because you're not a father. They said you'd already been told about this. They also said that the elders have requested only the twin's father comes. Twins are extremely rare here and are regarded as a sign of good luck and fortune, and they're anxious to meet with him."

"Are you joking?" Archer asked.

Hoshi shrugged. "That's what he said, sir. He said unless their father comes down to speak with the elders, no contact may be made with them. They said we're welcome to stay and visit the city, but that's all."

"Only _fathers_?" Archer asked.

"It would be wise to respect their customs," T'Pol cautioned, "if you wish further communication with this race, Captain Archer."

Archer looked at T'Pol. She had a hold of a toddler's hand in each of hers. Kasbra was standing patiently beside T'Pol, pointing at various objects and babbling about them. Jon Nathan was trying to pull away to chase butterflies as they flew past. Archer looked at the aliens. T'Pol was right. Starfleet wouldn't want him leaving just because he wasn't a father and the father they requested to meet was confined to the ship. He sighed and pulled out his communicator.

"Archer to Enterprise." Archer reached up and rubbed the back of his neck while he waited for a reply.

#

Archer listened to Hoshi and the elder talk, his eyes watching the stylus he was turning in his hands. Malcolm sat beside him, watching the two with intense interest. Archer wished he could share the interest, but he wasn't even allowed to tell Malcolm what to say or ask. He could only write it on a PADD and hope Malcolm could interpret his shorthand correctly.

Hoshi turned to Malcolm. "He said that would be an acceptable arrangement."

Malcolm looked at Archer for his approval. Archer nodded. The elder spoke again and the three looked at him. He stood, nodding as he spoke. He reached out and patted Malcolm on the shoulder, then turned and disappeared through the door that he'd entered from.

"What did he say?" Malcolm asked Hoshi.

"He said he is envious of your children. Twins are rare a symbol of good luck, fortune and a long life. He wishes health and good fortune on you and your family," Hoshi said.

Malcolm smiled, looking back at Archer.

"Let's eat," Archer said, standing up.

"Sorry for all the fuss I've caused, sir," Malcolm said.

"Never met a race that only allowed father's to speak. It's just a little.._different_."

Malcolm nodded, standing up with Hoshi. The two looked up when an alien came running into the room, speaking excitedly and motioning toward the door.

"What?" Archer asked Hoshi.

Hoshi looked uncomfortable. "He said that Malcolm and his interpreter are invited to the elder's feast tonight."

"Malcolm and his _interpreter_?" Archer asked.

"That's what he said, Captain."

The alien spoke again.

"He said Malcolm is allowed to bring two guests to tend to his children at the feast."

"I can't believe this!"

Malcolm and Hoshi hid their amusement before Archer looked at them.

"After our discussion perhaps it's best if I simply returned to Enterprise," Malcolm offered. "I'll decline, sir." He turned to the alien.

"No, Malcolm. Now that you're here we're making some progress. Don't refuse. That may be considered rude. Go ahead and go."

"Are you certain, sir?"

"I'm certain."

"Would you like to be one that tended to..well.." Malcolm trailed off.

"_No_. I am a Captain of a starship, I am _not_ a babysitter."

Malcolm nodded once to Hoshi and she told the alien the reply. The alien bowed slightly and disappeared through the door. Hoshi and Malcolm both looked at Archer, who wasn't masking his brooding as well as he'd liked to have.

#

Archer looked up when he heard voices coming toward the house the aliens--who he finally learned were called the Yiquar--had given his crew to stay in while they were on the planet.

"Kids are home," Trip said as he rearranged a pillow under his head. He had been reading a novel ever since the group had left for the feast, tuning out Archer's rantings about the situation.

Archer didn't reply.

"Happy, _Dad_?" Trip asked, grinning.

Archer shot Trip a glare.

The door opened and Malcolm, Hoshi, T'Pol, and Ensign Paris walked in. T'Pol was carrying Kasbra and Malcolm was carrying Jon, both children sleeping soundly in their arms. The two disappeared into Malcolm's room where they had set up cribs for the twins.

"You should have seen it, sir!" Ensign Paris, grinning as she walked in.

"It reminded me of an eighteenth century ball!" Hoshi said, sitting on the edge of a chair.

Archer smiled, looking at her. The aliens had sent dresses for the women to wear to the feast that resembled eighteenth century gowns. They did look spectacular in them.

"I'm glad you had a good time," Archer said, smiling at Hoshi.

Malcolm came out of the bedroom and sat down on the arm of Hoshi's chair.

"They've invited us to see some caves tomorrow, sir," Malcolm told Archer.

"Caves?" Archer asked.

"Yes, sir. One of the elders told us they're part of a salt mine. According to a geologist there were some amazing underground formations unearthed when the area was still being mined. They also have several rooms that were carven from the salt walls. He said it was very beautiful and something they're quite proud of."

"He said all that?"

"Yes. Their language has been very easy to pick up, sir," Malcolm said.

"You speak Vulcan, Varlikon, English, French, German, Italian, Klingon and Bastion, Lieutenant," T'Pol pointed out, "Learning this language should have presented no difficulty for either you or Ensign Sato."

Malcolm smiled.

Archer sighed. "Are the twins going?"

"We don't have to," Malcolm said, "I should probably return to the ship."

"No. Stay," Archer said.

"Are you certain, sir?" Malcolm said.

"I'm just not a baby person, Malcolm. I can handle older kids..not babies."

"They're toddlers, Cap'n, not babies," Trip corrected him.

"They're no higher than my knee, they don't talk well, and they wear diapers. They're babies."

Everyone tried to hide his or her amusement to Archer's remark. Even T'Pol raised an eyebrow at his comment.

"What?" Archer asked the five.

As if on queue the five bid him goodnight and disappeared into their rooms. Archer let out a frustrated sigh.

Archer stood, muttering as he walked to his room, "Some races have the _strangest_ customs!"

#

The cathedral was amazing. The statues and even the chandeliers hanging high above had been carved out of the live rock and salt deposits. Archer looked away from the chandelier to Malcolm. He had Jon Nathan on his shoulders, pointing to one of the statues. A few feet from him Hoshi was kneeling beside Kasbra and the two were talking about something that was on the floor. Archer smiled, looking away and for the thousandth time saying blessings he didn't have babies to care for. He didn't know how Malcolm managed when Vardee was away.

"They have done an extraordinary job of preserving these caves," T'Pol said, walking up to Archer.

"They are amazing."

"The Yiquar have brought us lunch. They have set up tables and the meal on the surface," T'Pol informed Archer.

"Lunch is being served up top, people," Archer said out loud.

Archer turned, following T'Pol toward the exit. Archer heard a squeal and looked back. Malcolm had a child under each arm and was carrying them like sacks. The children were laughing and babbling, occasionally a clear word coming out. Malcolm pulled them both up, resting a child on each hip and talking quietly with them as if he understood what they were saying. Archer turned around; saying another blessing that he was not a father.

#

Archer walked toward the shuttle, seeing T'Pol coming out.

"Lieutenant Reed and Ensign Sato will be with you momentarily," T'Pol said, "The children are already on board."

Archer stopped short. "The children?"

"Were you not told?"

"Told what?" Archer asked.

"The elders requested the twins to be brought to the meeting tonight. They wanted to meet them and introduce them to their children before the meeting."

"No. No one told me," Archer almost growled.

T'Pol raised an eyebrow. "I assumed you knew, Captain."

"I do now, don't I?" Archer continued to the shuttle pod.

He stepped in and Kasbra and Jon both looked up at him. Both were strapped into their seats with a harness Trip and the quartermaster had made to keep them sitting during shuttle pod trips.

"Ka'fan!" Jon cried, smiling at him.

"K'pan, Jon," Archer corrected the child as he brushed past them to the pilot's seat, "I mean _Captain_!"

The children didn't take notice of his tone and began babbling to him and each other. Archer began the launch procedure and the shuttle pod shuddered as the engine powered up. Archer stood up to walk to the hatch when the back of the shuttle pod dropped, sending him tumbling to the back and slamming against the bulkhead. Archer started to get up, looking out the hatch. There were only a few inches of grass that he could see at the top of the doorway and before his eyes it disappeared and the ground began rushing past the open hatch. Archer grabbed a hold of a chair base as he went sliding toward the front. Suddenly the shuttle pod leveled out and dropped straight down. Archer heard the twins screaming and felt like screaming himself.

The nose of the shuttle pod hit something, sending it tail end down first. The tail hit something and the nose fell forward, bringing the shuttle pod to a painful jolting stop and coming to rest at a slight slope. Archer, thinking it was over, started to get up. He heard something falling on the roof of the shuttle pod and suddenly something heavy fell on the roof. The metal groaned, slowly bending under the weight of whatever had fallen on top of it. Archer fell to his knees, staring up at the groaning, slowly bending ceiling. The engine wound down and the power in the shuttle pod cut out. The only light was coming through the front window and it quickly disappeared as dirt and rocks covered it. The silence that followed would have been a relief, except it was filled by the screaming cries of two toddlers and Archer's heart beating in his ears.

#

Malcolm smiled at the Yiquar as he accepted the gift the alien gave him. His smile vanished when he heard a noise behind him. Malcolm turned, watching the tail end of the shuttle pod sink into the ground.

"TRIP! T'POL!" Malcolm yelled.

The two turned, watching helplessly as a sinkhole rim quickly formed around the shuttle pod. The nose dropped suddenly and the shuttle pod vanished in a cloud of dust and flying dirt and rocks. The sinkhole rim quickly widened and Malcolm caught sight of the shuttle pod before the hole caved in on itself, burying the shuttle pod. When the ground finally stopped moving and the dust cloud began to settle, the only part of the shuttle pod that could be seen was the port plasma vent.

"No. No!" Malcolm started walking toward the sinkhole's edge.

Someone grabbed Malcolm, pulling him back as the edge gave way where he'd been standing.

"This can't be happening!" Malcolm gasped, his breath getting shorter as he started to hyperventilate. "KASBRA! JON NATHAN!" Malcolm fought the hands holding him back.

"Lieutenant, if you want to help your children, you need to take slow breaths," T'Pol said, "And calm down."

Malcolm closed his eyes, trying to push the terror out of his mind. She was right. He had to keep his wits about him to get them out of there. He couldn't become irrational.

T'Pol spoke to the Yiquar behind them and he said something.

"We will go to their shuttle pod and try to contact, Captain Archer," T'Pol told Malcolm, "We need to make sure they are all right and then we must develop a rescue plan."

Malcolm nodded. He followed T'Pol around the sinkhole to the Yiquar shuttle.

#

Archer heard the companel beep, shaking him out of his shock. He stood and walked toward the beeping, grimacing as he passed the screaming children. He felt around on the console for the companel button and pushed it when he found it.

"Archer here," Archer said, unable to keep his voice from shaking.

"Are you alright, Captain?" T'Pol asked.

"Shaken, but I don't feel like I'm hurt."

"And the children?"

"I don't know. Just a minute. I need to see if I can get habitat controls back on line."

Archer felt around the controls. He pressed a button and he felt a whoosh of cool air fill the shuttle pod. He felt around again and pushed another button and the lights came back on. Archer walked over to the children. They both held their arms out for him to pick them up. Archer left them in their harnesses and checked them for any apparent injuries. Archer returned to the console.

"They appear fine," Archer said, swallowing. His nerves were starting to calm now.

"Hey, Cap'n?" Trip asked.

"Yeah?"

"Turn off habitat controls, sir."

"Why?"

"Just do it, I'll explain."

Archer reached over and turned off the habitat controls.

"Now why?"

"Well, the Yiquar just got a scan of your position. You're packed in there pretty good. There's no where for the shuttle pod to release the carbon dioxide the habitat controls would build up."

Archer looked out the window at the dirt covering the window. "And what about the carbon dioxide the three of us are going to produce, Trip?"

Trip didn't answer.

"Trip?"

"I'm workin' on that, sir. You should be okay for a couple hours. I'll get you a plan before then, sir."

"Okay," Archer said.

"Captain, you need to get the children to stop crying," T'Pol informed him.

"How do I do that?"

"You can take them out of their chair restraints. You are on solid ground and will not fall any further. Then you should sing to them and hold them to calm them down."

"Sing?"

"Kasbra is especially fond of 'Mary Had a Little Lamb', Captain."

"I am _not_ singing," Archer said.

"At least get them out of the chairs, sir," Malcolm said, "As long as you let them be near you, they should stop crying after a while. Maybe an hour or so."

"An hour!? I have to listen to this for _an hour_?" Archer asked.

"There is the alternative, sir," Malcolm said.

Archer looked back at the children. "The alternative?"

"We need to leave, sir. We have to start figuring out how we're going to get you three out of there."

"Archer out." Archer turned the seat, looking at the screaming, crying children. "I am _not_ singing 'Mary Had a Little Lamb,'" Archer growled at them.

Archer got up and took them out of their seat harnesses. The two children immediately clutched his legs. Archer sat down in a seat, unsure what he should do next.

"I'm not singing," Archer told the two.

He pulled them both onto his lap and they immediately cuddled up to him, but continued to scream and cry. Archer grimaced, looking up at the ceiling. Following a forlorn sigh, he started singing the first line of 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'. Five minutes later the two were sniffling, but no longer screaming. Archer sat back in the chair, staring at the dirt that covered the front window. He found himself wishing he was fighting Suliban or some other race, or even stuck in a room full of Vulcans for hours on end, anything but this.

#

"I have a plan for the air," Trip said, running into the Yiquar shuttle.

Malcolm, T'Pol and the three Yiquar looked up at him. Trip pressed the companel button on the console.

"Trip to Archer."

There was a long pause.

"Come on, Cap'n, answer," Trip said, more to himself.

"I'm here. I'm here," Archer said. He sounded like he'd just woken up.

"You okay?"

"I, uh, I h-hope you have a-a plan for this car-carbon dioxide cuz, uhm..it's starting to g-get really hard to f-focus and stay awake."

"I have a plan. You at the front?"

"Yeah."

"Bring up schematics."

#

In the shuttle pod Archer obeyed. He closed his eyes tight and tried to keep focused on the screen.

"Okay," Archer said.

"Okay, the tail end isn't covered completely. Bring the engine online and vent plasma on port side for five seconds."

"Are you s-sure?"

"Cap'n, I'm your chief engineer. Yes. I'm sure," Trip told Archer, and then whispered to himself, "Or bring the rest of the sinkhole down on top of you."

#

Archer pointed to the port aft vent and the shuttle pod shuddered. Archer looked down when two pairs of hands grabbed his legs. Kasbra and Jon were standing beside his chair, staring at the back of the shuttle.

"It's j-just the engines..kids," Archer told them, "Igniting, Trip."

"Good. Turn it off," Trip said.

Archer turned the engine off.

"Now re-route the venting of the habitat controls to the port aft vent only."

Archer touched the screen and the image changed, showing the habitat controls and vents. He pointed to the screen and re-routed all ventilation to the port aft vent.

"D-Done."

"Start up habitat."

Archer turned and started the habitat controls. Cool, fresh air whooshed into the shuttle.

"Keep an eye on the dioxide meter there for a couple minutes. Let me know if it goes up."

Archer watched the digital readout. "S-so far sooo good."

"Good. Keep an eye on it while your running habitat. If that starts to climb above thirty percent, let me know."

"Will do."

"How's everything else going?" Trip asked.

Archer inhaled a deep breath before answering. "I hate 'Mary Had a Little Lamb'. I never want to hear that song again."

Trip laughed. "Other than that, Cap'n?"

"How long am I..we..going to be down here?"

#

"Malcolm's been talking with a couple of the engineers. Let me get him." Trip turned to Malcolm. "The Cap'n has a question for ya, Malcolm."

Malcolm looked at Trip. "Yes, sir?"

"Cap'n wants a time frame."

Malcolm looked at the Yiquar and T'Pol. He turned and walked to the console.

Malcolm cleared his throat. "It's going to be a while, sir."

"Define _a while_."

"There are geological issues we're encountering, sir."

"Such as?"

"The sink hole was caused by a network of abandon mine tunnels and shafts. We've moved the Yiquar shuttle pod away so it won't cause the sinkhole to collapse any further, but the land around the sinkhole is unstable. We're looking into--"

"You don't know how long, do you Malcolm?"

"No, sir. I'll have a definite answer when we come up with a plan to get to you three, sir."

"What about the..uhm.." Archer trailed off.

"If you're inquiring about the transporter, Cap'n," Trip answered, "T'Pol and I already checked into that. You dropped twenty-two meters and at least half of that has filled back up with debris. T'Pol says that the mineral composition of the rocks on top of you would scatter a transporter beam, even if we could get a lock on you."

"I'd turn into my base molecular structure is that your trying _not_ to say?"

"Yeah, basically, Cap'n."

"Is there any good news?"

"There's three weeks worth of field rations and water on board," Trip offered.

"And T'Pol has a tendency of packing two weeks worth of everything in the diaper bag and it's on board with you as well, sir," Malcolm added.

"Why would I need a diaper bag?"

"For the children, sir. It has their food and diapers in it."

"I am _not_ changing a diaper."

"At any rate, that's the good news, sir."

"Call me if anything changes. Archer out."

Trip made sure the channel was closed before he started laughing.

"He broke down on 'Mary had a Little Lamb'," Trip looked up at Malcolm. "How long do you think he's going to hold out on the diapers?"

"Until they start screaming non-stop," Malcolm said, "As I recall, that was when _you_ gave in."

Trip sat back. "This is good for the Cap'n, know that?"

Malcolm looked down at him. "How is that?"

"What is that you've always said? Oh yeah. 'My kids have been a test of patience, humor and humility.' Now it's our fearless leaders turn."

Malcolm shook his head as he chuckled. "Let me know when he calls again."

"Will do." Trip looked out at the sinkhole, laughing a little more. He knew the situation was dangerous, but there was also an odd sense of irony to it. It was Archer's turn to try Malcolm's Starfleet uniform on, dirty diapers included.

#

Archer felt a hand on his arm. He felt like reacting like a dog and snapping at the toddler. Archer instead ignored him and continued working on the report on the PADD in his hand. The hand began to pat his arm. Archer looked up at the boy who was grinning at him. Archer offered a quick smile.

"Dada!" Jon said, holding up his pants and potty training diaper.

"Put that back on!" Archer ordered, dropping the PADD and stylus to the floor beside him.

"Dada!" Jon laughed when Archer grabbed the pants and training pants from him.

"AH!" Archer said, finding the training pants were well used.

Archer got up, tracking down the diaper bag. He found it stashed in a bench, pulled it out and opened it. He pulled out what he thought was a pair of training pants and turned out to be diaper. Archer shoved it back in the bag and looked for a pair of training pants. He found one and returned to Jon.

"NO!" Archer said, snatching away the PADD and stylus Jon had picked up and was playing with.

Jon looked up at him with a hurt expression.

"No," Archer repeated.

Jon started whimpering as his bottom lip began trembling.

"Don't start," Archer ordered.

Jon broke out in a wail. Kasbra, who had been playing with a toy at the front, dropped her toy and ran to her brother, hugging him. Archer sighed, sitting down. He held the training pants out to the bare bottomed boy. Jon shoved them away, turning away from Archer. Archer grabbed him and after a struggle finally pulled the training pants on. Jon slapped Archer's hand as he pulled away, casting a hateful look at Archer. He let his sister lead him over to the toys and Jon immediately forgot his anger.

Archer returned to his report.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

"Here," Trip said.

"What?" Malcolm asked, looking up.

Trip was holding out a cup to Malcolm.

"Coffee. Or the closest thing they have to it," Trip said.

Malcolm took the cup. "Thank you, Trip."

Trip sat down next to Malcolm.

Malcolm sighed, sipping the hot liquid. He looked back at the monitors in front of him.

"There has to be a way to get them out," Malcolm said.

"We'll figure it out," Trip said.

The two were silent for a few minutes.

"I'm on probation..again," Malcolm said.

Trip looked at Malcolm. "Why?"

"Tardiness," Malcolm said, frowning.

"He just doesn't understand. I'll talk to 'im and getcha out of it."

"Do you?" Malcolm looked at Trip.

"Do I what?"

"Understand? Last I checked you weren't chasing down two toddlers."

"Do I understand! Let me tell you a story, Malcolm," Trip laughed. "When I was sixteen, I wanted this hovercraft so bad I could taste it! She was beaut'. Blue and chrome, just need a whooooole mess of engine work! She really was priced higher than she was worth, but you couldn't have convinced me of that at the time. My parents told me that if I wanted it, I had to earn the money myself. They weren't gonna to pay for a shiny piece of junk, as they called it. So I went lookin' for a job. Landed a burger joint job, got in a fight with the manager and canned the same day I started. Next Monday I tried the lawn mowing business but I was too kind to the li'l ol' ladies and decided that wasn't going to work by the following Friday. So then, by a twist of events that are far stranger, I ended up taking a nanny position." Trip laughed when Malcolm laughed. "I know. A guy being a nanny isn't a real easy thing to picture, but I _really_ wanted that hovercraft! It was for this recent widow whose husband left her everything and three kids. One was seven months, one that was two and one was six. She was either happy or sad her husband was gone, because she regularly forgot to come home and I practically raised them kids that summer, and at least half of it was spent on communicades to my mom or walking those Southern mansion floors until God only knows how long with a screaming child in each arm. I thought I'd never make it through that summer! So yeah, Malcolm, I understand. I gotta good sampler of what you're goin' through right now."

"Captain Archer apparently doesn't understand," Malcolm commented quietly into his drink.

Trip laughed a hearty laugh that made Malcolm smile.

"What?" Malcolm asked.

"He's probably gonna to swear off children forever after this!" Trip laughed harder.

Malcolm shook his head. "Maybe."

"But ya know," Trip sobered up, "this will give him a _whole_ new perspective on your life Malcolm and in ways he probably doesn't wanna know about. I'll talk to him when we get back to Enterprise, after things have calmed down, and get you off the hook. You have enough to worry about without this hanging over your head."

"I appreciate it, Trip, but," Malcolm shook his head, "I wouldn't wish this on anyone," Malcolm smiled. "Not even myself!"

Trip chuckled, looking at the monitor. His smile faded suddenly and he stood up. "What's this?"

Malcolm looked at the monitor Trip was pointing at. "It's a map of the mine tunnels and shafts. Why?"

Trip face lit up with an idea. He walked over to the monitor that had a topographical map of the area of the sinkhole.

"You know how ta work their computers?"

"Yes," Malcolm stood up, walking over to Trip. "Why?"

"Overlay the map of the mines on this topographical map," Trip ordered, patting the air above the monitor.

Malcolm turned to a console to do as Trip asked.

"Hot damn!" Trip cried.

Malcolm turned, staring at the combined maps.

"Do ya see it Malcolm!?" Trip asked.

Malcolm smiled. With a finger he traced a mineshaft that ran right across where the shuttle pod was sitting at the same elevation. His smile faded.

"The ground is bound to be unstable, Trip."

"I know. Now we have to think of a way to add support. Just long enough to get in and get 'em out."

"MALCOLM!" Archer yelled on the companel behind them.

Both men turned, looking at the console.

Trip was grinning when Malcolm looked at him. "What was that you were saying about not wishing this on anyone?"

Malcolm smiled. He walked over to the console and pushed a button.

"Yes, sir?" Malcolm asked.

"They will _not stop crying_!" Archer said. In the background Malcolm could hear his children crying at the top of their lungs. Malcolm tapped a console to check the time and mentally converted it into his own time.

"They're dirty, hungry and tired, sir. They need clean diapers, a bottle and a nap."

"I ran out of the diapers they can put on themselves."

"I wondered if you would. They just started potty training so we don't pack many of those. How long ago did you change them, sir?"

"Four hours ago."

"Then they need changed before you lay them down with a bottle, sir."

"Changed?"

"Yes, sir."

"You're expecting me to change their _diapers_?" Archer asked.

"Yes, sir."

"No. I'm a Captain of a Starfleet ship! I am _not_ changing diapers."

Behind Malcolm, Trip ran out of the shuttle pod before he burst out into a fit of laughter.

"Captain, there is no telling how much longer it will be before we get you three out, but it's safe to assume at least another eight hours. They cannot remain in dirty diapers the entire time," Malcolm said.

"I am not changing your children's diapers, Malcolm. Forget it. How do I make a bottle?"

Malcolm's accent notably thickened and he started clipping the ends of his words. "Captain Archer, if you do not change their diapers they will continue to cry even if you give them a bottle and they will not take a nap. They _must_ be changed, they cannot wait."

"Yes they can," Archer argued

"Sir, they need changed."

"It can wait."

"No it can't, sir," Malcolm said.

"Lieutenant--"

"Fine. Then as soon as this ordeal is over, I'm taking the next two weeks off, sir," Malcolm said.

"What!? Why? Just because I won't change your kid's diapers?"

"Yes..sir."

Archer closed his eyes. "Malcolm, I know you can be stubborn, but this is--"

"If they do not get changed they will develop a diaper rash, they will cry all night until it clears up, I won't get any sleep and I may end up blowing something up that shouldn't be. So if you won't change the diapers, I won't continue to ask, _however_ I will be taking time off because I will be in no shape to perform my duties otherwise. And rather than have a repeat occurrence of tardiness I must request for time _off_! So unless you have suddenly become a well-seasoned father as well as a Captain of a Starfleet ship and know something about this matter that I do not, then one or the other must occur. Now which is it going to be, _sir_?"

Archer stared at the console. His first knee-jerk reaction was to warn Malcolm that he was being insubordinate and he was already treading on thin ice, but Archer's words stopped before they even reached his lips. He remembered a conversation he'd had with Malcolm before they'd reached the Yiquar home world.

#

"Lieutenant Reed, you've been tardy for the last two weeks."

"I know, sir," Malcolm met Archer's gaze when Archer looked up at him, slowly holding his hands in front of him, "but the twins began potty training and being weaned off of milk and they seem certain that their world is being severely disrupted. Vardee and I haven't had a full night's sleep for three weeks now. I apologize, but Doctor Phlox assured us that--"

"I don't want to hear it, Malcolm," Archer said, "and you're on probation for the next two months. If you don't fix this or it happens again, you're getting demoted. That will be all. Dismissed."

Malcolm's lips parted and Archer could tell he wanted to say something. Instead he turned and silently left Archer's ready room without another word.

#

"I've never changed a diaper before, Malcolm," Archer replied, "Gonna need some help."

"Get the diaper bag, a child, and I'll step you through it, sir," Malcolm said in a much calmer voice, "You may wish to use a seat or the bench as a changing table."

Archer let out a long sigh. He got up and grabbed the diaper bag. Archer turned, staring at the two children. They were watching him, still crying, but at a lower decibel than before. Archer walked over to Jon and picked him up. He returned to the pilot seat and laid Jon on it, setting the bag beside him when he knelt by the chair.

Archer cleared his throat. "Okay."

"Take his pants off, sir."

Archer looked at the console. How did Malcolm know he hadn't done that? Archer looked back at Jon and pulled the boy's pants off.

"Okay."

"There is a white package in there of wipes. You'll want to open it. Jon generally messes about this time of day."

Archer looked at the console. "I didn't say I had Jon."

"That's his 'I hate being changed' cry, sir," Malcolm said.

Archer looked at the child. The cry sounded the same to him. Archer looked in the bag, found the package and opened it.

"Okay," Archer said.

"Do you see the tabs on the top?"

"Yeah."

"Pull them and pull the top down. You'll need to see how bad it is first."

Archer did as he was told.

"Aw! How do you do this every day, Malcolm!?" Archer cried, quickly putting the top back over the child.

#

Trip had returned to the Yiquar ship with Hoshi and T'Pol. He covered his mouth and walk away before he burst into another spiel of laughter.

Malcolm looked back, smiling at Hoshi and T'Pol.

Hoshi returned his smile, laughing silently. She glanced at T'Pol. The Vulcan's eyebrow was raised but there was no other expression on her face.

"You have to wipe him off well. Everywhere. Don't miss a spot," Malcolm instructed Archer.

#

"This is a joke!"

"It will only be two weeks, sir," Malcolm reminded Archer.

Archer swallowed, gritted his teeth and pulled the top down. As fast as he could he cleaned the child off, trying hard not to get anything on the seat or himself.

"Okay. It's off and he's clean. Now what?"

"Put it all in the red disposal bag. It's in the diaper bag."

Archer found the disposal bag and dropped the diaper and wipes in it. They disintegrated into a white ash like substance at the bottom of the bag. Archer put the bag aside and pulled out a clean diaper.

"Got a clean diaper," Archer told Malcolm.

"Slide it under him. The tabs go under him and the side without tabs goes over the top."

Archer positioned the diaper, prepared to quickly put it on.

"Ready."

"In the bag there's a blue tube."

Archer dug out the tube. "Okay."

"Open it, put a little on your fingers and smear it on his bottom and front. Be sure to get it in the folds."

"Malcolm, so help me if you're up there laughing.." Archer looked at Jon.

#

"I am not laughing, Captain," Malcolm glanced back, smiling.

Hoshi had joined Trip outside, both laughing so hard they had to sit down. T'Pol had moved to the seat beside Malcolm, listening to the conversation with intense interest but little else.

#

"Is this stuff _really_ necessary?" Archer asked.

"It will only be two weeks, sir," Malcolm replied.

Archer looked up. "This is blackmail."

"No, sir, this is what I do every day," Malcolm came back in a quieter voice. "One might come to understand how this can have a direct effect on attendance, don't you agree, sir?"

Archer looked at Jon's face. The child had stopped crying and was watching Archer. Archer smeared some of the white lotion from the tube on Jon as ordered.

"What's next?" Archer said in a calmer voice.

"Pull the top over the top and unfasten the tabs."

Archer did that. "Next."

"Pull the tabs across the top part of the diaper and make sure it's snug. You don't want it falling off."

Archer did as ordered. "Done."

"Dress him and get Kasbra. She's probably beside you waiting to be changed as they are often changed together."

Archer looked down. Just as Malcolm had said, Kasbra was sitting beside Archer, talking to the toy in her hand. Archer pulled Jon's pants up and set him down. He picked up Kasbra and laid her down on the seat. Archer hesitated, almost asking if he really should change the girl, but then he figured Malcolm's response would be his reminder of getting two weeks off.

"Do all the same for Kasbra?"

"Yes."

Archer changed her and smiled when Kasbra squealed suddenly.

"You tickled her," Malcolm said.

"How can you tell?"

"She squeals like that when she's being tickled."

Archer smiled at Kasbra as he picked her up to set her down. "Did I tickle you?"

Kasbra nodded, grinning.

"Sorry."

Kasbra threw her arms around his neck, hugging him. Archer sat her down, watching her run to the back of the shuttle pod to play with her brother.

"Not so bad, is it, sir?" Malcolm asked.

"Ask me that after I get my appetite back," Archer said.

"Making a bottle is much easier, sir. There are packets in the diaper bag. You put a liner in a bottle, empty one packet per bottle, add water to the top and shake it. Make sure you cover the nipple with your finger or you'll wear milk."

"Got it. That's much easier." Archer pulled two packets out, smiling when he saw the picture directions, "Guess I could have figured that out from the pictures on here, huh?"

"Yes, sir. It's quite simple, really. Once they're made, lay down a couple of thermal blankets and lay the children between them. You might have to get after them about talking but they will eventually sleep, sir."

"Will do. I don't suppose you know when we're getting out of here, do you?"

"We're still working on it. Commander Tucker came up with an idea we're looking into."

"What idea?"

Archer heard Malcolm call for Trip.

There was a moment of silence before Trip, replied, "When we overlaid a map of the mine tunnels on the topographical map we found a mine tunnel runs right across the shuttle pod," Trip answered. "We're going to check into it and see if it can be used."

"Keep me updated."

"Will do, sir."

"Hope you had a good laugh, Trip."

Trip didn't respond. Archer ended the communications. He got up and made two bottles, which the children began begging for as soon as they saw him start preparing them. Archer handed them each one and then pulled out two thermal blankets. He laid one down and the children immediately ran over and laid down on it. Archer laid the second one on top of them. Kasbra raised her head up, puckering her lips for a kiss. Archer drew back.

"What?" Archer asked.

Kasbra didn't move. Archer gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and received one in return. Jon made the same face. Archer gave him a kiss on the cheek and received one in return. Archer tucked the blanket around the two.

"Not talking," Archer told the two.

Kasbra stuck her bottle in her mouth and began drinking. Not long after they had finished their bottles Kasbra was snoring and Jon was sleeping peacefully. Archer sat down beside them, staring at the two. He realized he was wrong in his assumption that Malcolm was simply being lazy in his attendance. He had held to the ideal Malcolm was a Starfleet officer and knew this was unacceptable. While it was true that he was a Starfleet officer, out here, all rules were bendable and breakable. Now that he thought about it, Archer could not recall a time he'd held a command where he knew the father and the mother of two babies, their godparents, their day-care provider, their physician and their playmates.

"Think I've been a bit harsh on your father, kids. Gonna have to re-evaluate the situation when I get back." Archer reached down and smoothed Kasbra's black curls down.

Archer got up and walked back to the pilot's chair. He picked up the stylus and PADD on the console, put his feet up on the console and sat back, returning to his report.

#

Trip shone his flashlight around the tunnel, examining the walls, ceiling and rotting wooden braces as he walked. In his other hand he carried an open communicator.

"What have you found so far?" Malcolm asked.

Trip spoke into his communicator, "Just like we thought, it's really loose." Trip shone his flashlight at the wall of dirt he was approaching. He tapped it with his flashlight, watching the dirt easily crumble under the lightest force. "Reached the end. Can you get a fix on me?"

There was a pause. "You are eight meters from the shuttle, Commander," T'Pol replied.

"Ten meters?" Trip shook his head. "We have to figure out how to stabilize thirteen kilometers before we burrow into another eight meters of unstable, packed dirt. This is going to take every brain Enterprise and the Yiquar have, you guys."

"I would agree," T'Pol replied.

Trip looked at the dirt. "Have you finished those simulations, T'Pol?"

"Yes. There is a thirty-two point four percent chance of success."

"Well, those are good odds!" Trip retorted sarcastically.

"Sarcasm is of little use in this situation, Commander."

Trip looked back down the tunnel, watching dirt fall from the ceiling. "We'd better get a move on it if we're going to do this. Send down the men and equipment to get started."

"Yes, Commander."

"Sounds like things going fairly well," Archer said on Trip's communicator.

Trip turned, looking at the dirt wall again. "We've been in worse..haven't we, sir?"

"I'm trying to pretend we have been," Archer joked.

Trip smiled. "Well, if you're pretending on that end and I'm pretending on this end, that must mean we've been in worse."

Archer laughed.

"Kids still asleep?"

"Yeah. Any surprises I need to know about Malcolm?"

"If you're still in there at six they will wake up and need changed and want breakfast," Malcolm answered, "There's some cereal in their bag. Just add water to it."

"Okay. I'm going to try and get some sleep myself. Let me know if anything changes out there, people."

"See you soon, Captain," Trip, Malcolm and T'Pol replied.

#

Archer ended the communication and sat back in his chair, putting his feet up on the console. He looked at the dirt on the window, his mind drifting. He found himself thinking about when they first launch. Archer remembered Malcolm showing him the phaser for the first time, telling him the settings were stun and kill and he shouldn't confuse them. Then T'Pol surprised everyone when Archer was hurt and she continued with the mission. T'Pol had been one surprise after another. Archer remembered the look she and Trip had exchanged after the asteroid incident. Trip never told him what it was for, but there had been a sense of importance to it. As he began to doze and fall into a deeper sleep, his mind drifted over the past years and the numerous events that had changed and shaped their lives.

#

"How are you, Jonny?"

Archer turned, smiling at his father. "Good. You?"

His father nodded a little, smiling. "Good. How is everyone? Your crew?"

Archer looked up. The two were strolling down a red-dirt road that led to dark woods ahead.

"They're all good, dad," Archer answered, looking at his father's face.

"Things are strange now, aren't they?" his father asked him. "They always are out here." His father motioned ahead of them.

Archer turned his head, looking across the vast expanse of space. The two were walking along the rings of a gas giant and there was no sense of fear here. Archer felt relaxed and happy.

"I've heard you telling them you're not a father. You're wrong."

"How's that?" Archer looked at his father.

"You know what I mean. You're a father in ways you'd never intended."

"Strange how it all happened," Archer commented, looking across a lake. "So much has happened these last eight years, dad. Sometimes it makes everything so confusing and I wish you were here all the time. You taught me to love space, dad, but you're not here to share it with me."

The two were sitting in a boat on a lake. Archer could see the shore and there were people having a picnic. He knew them. They were his crew. They were dressed in casual clothes and while he couldn't hear their voices or laughter or the music on the radio, he knew the sounds were there.

"But are you sure you want to reject it like this? Aren't they your family?" his father motioned toward the people at the picnic. "Even T'Pol?"

Archer smiled. "I won't reject it. Just fuss until I get comfortable with it. I wonder what's on the grill?"

"Let's go see," his father answered.

Archer stood and he and his father walked across the water to the shore. Archer suddenly found himself in his ready room with T'Pol. She was watching him and he felt like they had been talking about something important moments before. Archer looked through his ready room door and saw his crew at the picnic by the lake.

T'Pol said, "You've returned."

"Always seem to." Archer smiled, putting his arm around her shoulders as the two started walking toward the picnic. "Let's burn some hamburgers. Ever have shish kabobs, T'Pol?"

"No."

"I'll make you a vegetarian one. You'll like it."

"Yes, Captain."

As the two passed through the door everything became lost in white light.

#

"Captain," someone said, shaking Archer's shoulder.

Archer opened his eyes, looking up at Malcolm.

"Hi," Malcolm said, smiling, "We have to hurry, Captain."

"Malcolm. Take a kid," Trip said, appearing in Archer's line of sight and handing over Kasbra to Malcolm. Trip had Jon Nathan in his other arm. "Come on, Cap'n. I dunno how long this tunnel's gonna hold."

Archer got up, grabbed the PADD he was working on and followed the two men up the ladder through the top hatch and into the tunnel. The three crawled through the narrow tunnel into the mine tunnel. Two Yiquar grabbed Archer's arms and helped him out of the tunnel and down the sloped wall. Archer pulled away once he had his feet under him and smiled when Yiquar and his crewmembers started cheering. It felt strange that things were so calm, but he figured it was because part of him was still lingering on his dream, driving away any adrenaline that had been driving him prior to his rescue.

"This way out, Cap'n," Trip said.

Archer followed Trip. He looked back at the tunnel.

"Something wrong?" Trip asked.

Archer looked at Trip, smiling. "Nope. Want me to carry him?"

Trip looked surprised, but gave Jon Nathan over to Archer. Jon Nathan laid his head on Archer's shoulder and went back to sleep.

#

Archer looked up from the PADD in his hand when the doorbell of his dining room beep.

"Come in," Archer said, setting the PADD aside.

Malcolm walked in and stood at attention. "You requested to see me, sir?"

"You're off probation," Archer said.

"Sir?" Malcolm looked down at Archer

"I was a little hasty. I'm lifting the probation. I expect the attendance problem will be resolved in a couple of weeks, or that's what Doctor Phlox told me anyway."

"Yes, sir. He assured us of the same."

"Good. That'll be all, Lieutenant."

"Thank you, sir." Malcolm turned and stopped. Malcolm looked down at Archer who'd returned to reading the PADD. Malcolm reached in his pocket and retrieved a small, yellow rubber duck that he slowly sat on the edge of the table beside Archer's arm.

Archer looked at it and then up at Malcolm. "What's this, Malcolm?"

"Kasbra has been insisting it's K'fan's. Perhaps if you took it she would stop, sir."

"I'll put it next to the shampoo in my shower." Archer smiled.

"Thank you, sir." Malcolm turned and left.

Archer picked up the yellow rubber duck to examine it. He smiled, setting it back down and returned to reading the report and eating breakfast.


End file.
